People Who Need to Leave Now: Sandra Lee

I was awakened yesterday morning by about 30 pounds of art that crashed down on my head. So, for the past few days, I've been a little punchy and I've been thinking about people who piss me off. I'm speaking specifically of people in the public consciousness who do not deserve to remain in said consciousness any longer. People whose very existence diminishes the human race.

Regular readers of this column will think that they can predict the first choice, and because they are probably correct, I'll just give a passing mention to the government cabal currently running this nation as if its sole purpose is to behave like a cash machine that lines their pockets and those of their friends and business associates.

Instead, over the next few weeks, we'll focus on some of the C-list (and lower) "celebrities" infecting this planet.

The first person on the list is Sandra Lee. For those unfamiliar with this Food Network tramp, her expertise (and I use that term in its loosest sense) is "semi-homemade cooking" (otherwise known as semi-retarded cooking.) Lee is a patronizing bimbo who married richand somehow ended up with a semi-retarded cooking empire. On a network where her colleagues create incredible concoctions, a typical Sandra Lee "amazing" recipe follows.

Petits Fours: Take a store-bought cheesecake. Pour a jar of strawberry jam on top. Use a cookie cutter to slice it into small pieces. Take a tub of Cool Whip. Put a little into a large sandwich bag. Throw the rest of the tub into the sink. Cut a corner of the bag to turn it into a pastry bag. Squeeze some Cool Whip onto the cake. Throw the rest of the bag away.  Mention repeatedly how wonderful the petits fours are, using a different superlative each time. Pretend to sample your finished product by taking a small bite, making a face, and putting the rest of the plate of finished food in the sink. When camera turns off, spit food out.

Lee "cooks" while wearing the most impractical clothes -- usually white, sheer tops that showcase her breasts -- and her cooking technique (again, I hate to use words like "technique" because that only imparts a bit of legitimacy into what she is doing) can be likened to the late Phil Hartman's Anal-Retentive Chef from Saturday Night Live. Her hands never get dirty because she doesn't touch anything. In recipes where anyone with a modicum of cooking knowledge realizes that you need to use your hands to combine the ingredients, she uses some utensil to do the job more ineffectively.

When one watches Lee cook, it becomes difficult to believe that her rich husband doesn't have a cadre of chefs to prepare his food. In fact, Lee's show should be called cooking for the rich and drunk. Lee's skills are so limited that she purchases egg whites that are pre-separated from their yolks because she clearly doesn’t have the skill to separate whites from yolks (though she attempted it on a recent show in which she appeared to succeed thanks to some creative editing.)

Sandra is painfully stupid. On a recent episode, she attempted to soften ice cream by putting it in the microwave for 20 seconds. Unfortunately for the ice cream, Lee set the microwave for two minutes. The good news is that her recipe was still “amazing.”

One place where Sandra is passionate about her cooking is during what is usually the final segment of the show: Drinky, drinky time. Lee takes great care in pouring as much alcohol as possible into any drink she makes and it is clear that the reason Lee is so passionate about semi-retarded cooking is that any time she saves is spent drinking herself into a stupor. It's probably her way of coping with the fact that her soon-to-be-ex-husband -- the one who provided her enough money to rent vacation homes in Whistler and wear designer clothes – is working very closely with Martha Stewart (who is, amazingly, a rung lower than Lee on the scale of unctuousness.)

Lee's other focus is her tablescape. This is the word she uses to describe the ridiculous amount of time she spends making the table. She loves reminding everyone how everything is wonderful and it’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. Though her show would rank very high on Bill Simmons' Unintentional Comedy Ratings (if someone had ever bothered to email Simmons), and has spawned a number of drinking games, one does not believe that this is sufficient reason to keep it on the air. The Food Network is diluting its product and ruining its credibility by keeping this worthless dolt on the air. 

It seems appropriate to close this piece with a look at Lee’s closing statement that is present at the conclusion of every show. She always implores people to “always keep it semi-homemade.” Why? Shouldn’t people aspire to meals that are edible? I realize that many people watch Semi-Retarded Cooking to get a laugh, but ratings are ratings. Lee doesn’t know that we’re hating at her and not with her. Accordingly, I implore those who watch her show to resist temptation and just turn the television off.

Until next time…

Comments

[John]

I totally agree. She diminishes the FoodNetwork with her show.

[Pooh]

She recently made reference many times to "marscapone" cheese. What in the world is she doing on a legitimate food network!!!! She should just be working at Hugh Hefner's Mansion; she'd fit right in.

[Rod]

I like Sandra Lee. Just because some guy who'd love air time, writes that he doesn't like her, doesn't make it legitimate
criticism.
She looks great and so does her entire show.
There's got to be some eye candy after Rachel Ray, and all the other eyesores people who populate the Food Network.

[royo]

Rod,

Do you like food or do you want eye candy. I'm not worried about air time and I'm far from the only one that doesn't like her.

If you want to stare at her new bolt-on tits, go right ahead. Enjoy yourself. (And I mean that sincerely.)

But if you're claiming to look at food, you're not watching her show. What she does is the lowest form of manipulation.

She takes a store-bought angel food cake, cuts a hole in the middle, frosts it and puts flowers in the middle and calls it a Kwanzaa cake.

You want to see someone attractive who can cook, look at Giada DeLaurentis. Sandra Lee is a fraud.

I'm glad you like her -- to each his own. I think she's a drunk fraud.

Check out the Sandra Lee boards at Television Without Pity. You'll find that yours is a dissenting opinion.

[Chris]

I disagree. I love to watch Sandra's show because she has wonderful ideas that make it easy for everyday busy people to create and cook great thematic meals. You contridict yourself by calling her a tramp because she wears clothing that accents her figure and then recommend watching Giada who is always hanging out! (and is a good cooking show as well) This and other contridictory statements makes it sound like sour grapes to me. Turned ya down Huh? That happens! Move on!

[Roy]

Have you ever tried her ideas? She uses processed crap and then "dolls it up" with more processed crap. She's always talking about healthy food and then piling on the processed crap. She has no cooking ability -- watch her try to chop a vegetable -- and she has no cooking knowledge. She has said on multiple occasions that red peppers are hotter than green peppers and that you need to take the seeds out of red peppers if you want to get rid of the heat. Red peppers are sweet, but the bitch never ate a vegetable, so she wouldn't know that. She's a no talent who I wouldn't give the time of day to.

[Sue]

Ha ha ha ha, I just found this site. I couldn't agree more. She is a drunk; get way too much excitement over her cocktails.

Also, why does her kitchen change to match everything she is cooking???? Get a grip. Seriously even her appliances change to match. Watch the blender, mixer, etc… It is crazy.

[Erin]

At our house we call it "Semi-Whoremade Cooking" and loathe her similiarly.

[Anne]

Since you watch Sandra Lee on the Food Network, I hope you saw the "Chefography" episode this week which featured Sandra Lee.
If so, you learned that Sandra has had one of the most heartbreaking lives anyone has had to endure. She was raised by a paternal grandmother from the ages of 2-6. Her parents were divorced, and her mother became mentally ill. It became Sandra's responsibility to raise her three younger siblings entirely on her own at the age of 11. She went grocery shopping on her bicycle, learned how to cook (became an expert with Bisquick), picked daffodils from a vacant lot and sold them for money to feed the kids, and had no one for support. At the age of 16, her three siblings were sent away to live with their mother, and Sandra was sent to live with her father, who had never raised a child before. He soon left her, and she was totally on her own again with no one but her grandmother who lived far away. She worked days and nights, saving money to go to college, and finally enrolled. Her grandmother sent her $500. a month, and she graduated from college. Her climb in the decorating world was as tough as her life has been. She did it all on her own, investing her own money to sell curtains. Now, she helps charities and sits on the board of three charities, trying to help others. I'm not saying you have to love Sandra or have to love her cooking, but some of the things you've said about her are pretty rough, considering the way she has tried so hard all of her life, having nothing. She is far from the Food Network "whore," or whatever you called her.
I, personally, would be ashamed to have a blog up here for the public to read when it's written about a woman who has had a lifetime of tragedy and still keeps trying.

[Maggie]

Have you ever seen the story of her life, and how much she has given back to the community? She has worked all her life.
Give her a break, will ya!

[Jan]

Now this is a refreshing post! I am not familiar with Sandra's cooking show; but I will peep for curiosity sake.

[LoveitMuffin]

I'm atching her right now, and as a food network addict I think she has the worst show on the network.

Everything in this post is valid; the only thing that I'd emphasize is that she puts "whipped topping" on everything - every dessert has it.

And she is always trying to drink. She'll have a party for "my niece Miss Stephenie" and make drinks - of course separating the ones without alcohol with a crazy straw.

[Leea]

I agree with the majority of these posts. Sandra Lee CANNOT cook. She is sloppy and condescending. You can already tell what most of her food will taste like just by looking at it and listening to her "ingredients." I watch her show for ideas on what not to make or what to make people I don't like. Today I watched her make a "wonderful" coleslaw with sourcream dressing that had a dollop of mustard and relish. Wow, yesterday morning I added milk to my cereal, and then added sliced bananas for a semi-homemade touch --does that mean that I should get my own cooking show? No I don't think so. Just because she overcame some adversities in her life (who hasn't really?) does not mean that people can't be honest with what her t.v. show really is.

[rachel]

sweet jesus, finally someone who has been able to capture and express perfectly my feelings for trashy sandy and her disgusting "recipes"! it's difficult to choose the worst show component but it's got to be either the showcasing of her "creativity" with mayonnaise, her breast-baring (who doesn't hate to love the clam bake beach episode?), or the coordination of her kitchen aide to her t-shirt to the jelly beans used on the ugly bunny cake. btw, my friend lisa who introduced me to semi-homemade can and will brigthen anyone's day by whistling the theme song.

[Mellie]

I could not agree with the original post more. This is a woman who will throw away a half of container of cool whip but at the same time, suggest you save her homemade "shake and bake" after she uses it on raw chicken and doesn't even so much as put it in the refrigerator. Then she heads on out to the yard to get some leaves that quite possibly could have been peed on by some animal, uses clothes pins to attach them to her stemware and calls it "festive" and "beautiful". How this woman got her own show doing things like this is beyond me. I honestly think the majority of people who watch it are just doing so to see what retarded idea she will come up with next and don't take her very seriously. And what does the fact that she had a "hard life" have to do with it? She can't cook and has no business trying to teach other people how. But hey if anyone wants to follow her advice, be my guest. At least if you do get food poisoning, you could self medicate with one of her cocktails.

[Jodi]

All I want to know is who is the boss of this network, are they seriously ill in judgment or what?? We all have had problems as I read about her above, but come on she is a real fake and her food is beyond the word horrible.

[Alex]

I'm soo happy that there are others who despise Sandra Lee as much as I do. So refreshing. My father, who is a retired chef, my sister in law (a caterer) and myself ( a nothing better to do except add to blogs on the internet) have a great family time making fun of her matching kitchen outfits. I think the best one was the black lacey top that she wore and then had this Semi Home Made Goth Chick kitchen thing going. It was completely awesome. She really is so "versatile".

As far as the whole" busy Mom/career fast and easy meals" thing, the Food Network has a few excellent shows that are perfect for that. Semi Home Made Cooking is not.

I watched all the Chefography shows, and I'm sorry, but so what, everyone has some horrible life experience they have gone through, it doesn't justify your culinary talent, and if you think it does, then why don't you look up Wolfgang Puck's biography, compare it to Sandra Lee's, and then tell me what you think.

Has anyone written the Food Network and asked for her to be removed and how she is an insult to the food/chef/cook/culinary community?

Although, if she had a "How To Get Your Drink On" show, I would definitely watch it, especially if her lacey tops matched the cocktail umbrellas. She does have an incredible talent to accessorize her outfits to go with her meals/kitchen/cocktails/diet pills.

[chad]

Guess what morons, most people who watch the food network aren't professional chefs. You patronizing fruitcakes should be reading your french cooking magazines and let us normal people watch our ridiculous cooking shows. Many people like Sandra Lee. If you don't, then just shut your pie hole and turn the channel. Thats what the remote is for.

Jesus, you sound like jealous 12 year olds.

[Bob]

I masterbate to her show...

[You dont need to know my name.]

I agree. Sandra Lee is a loser. She is eating crap. What kind of food comes out of a box? You might as well eat a birthday cake out of a can and put a cherry on top. That is exactly what she does. She disgusts me. She is just a drunk. And whats up with the tablescapes? WHO THE HELL CARES.

[you wish you had her success]

I have 3 kids under the age of 7 and it can be difficult to find time to cook the way some of you find the only respectable way to cook, fancy, always perfectly healthy, etc. Her show is named Semi Homemade for a reason. She has great ideas for coordinating your food, table, etc. As for her breasts....Have you seen Giada's ? She bares more than Sandra any day...although after she has her baby she may cover them up as any mother who has nursed will tell you they won't look like that again without surgical help. Many of you sound jealous and critical....So perhaps you should tell the person holding the gun to your head ,making you watch "The crappy" show that you would like to watch Wall Street Week instead.

[roy]

Any parent who feeds their children any recipe that Sandra Lee "kreated" should have their children taken away by DYFS and charged with child abuse.

That might sound harsh, but anyone who actually looks at the calorie/fat/sugar content in Lee's recipes would realize that you're better off feeding your kids poison than feeding them that crap. At least their deaths would be quick and relatively painless.

The only "respectable" way to cook is not cooking fancy, always perfectly healthy, etc. -- I love me a good Chicken McNugget once in a while -- but Lee is pushing a theory that her food is fast, healthy, and cheap, when none of it is true. Let's take a quick look at the facts:

1. She spends a ton of time on her recipes, but because of the way that the show is edited (and because her English is so bad that she's almost incomprehensible at times), it's easy to miss her comments like "then put this in the slow cooker for six hours." If you're a busy mom, you probably don't have six hours to wait for a dish to cook.

2. While she likes to talk about "healthy" eating, she says factually incorrect things like "ketchup is bad for you" while adding cups of sugar to her desserts that are already pre-sweetened. And let's not get into the whole issue of her boozing and the fact that she finds it acceptable to serve "kiddie kocktails."

3. Cost: She talks about saving money but she buys mixes and seasoning packets that are ridiculously expensive relative to the cost of individual spices, and then she has the nerve to use expensive ingredients like extracts. Plus she's extremely wasteful.

She's a corporate shill. She wouldn't give any of her fans the time of day if she saw them on the street. I'm sure you know that the reason she used almonds in her recipes as much as she did was because she had a six-figure contract with the California Almond Growers. Conflict of interest anyone?

Plus, the only reason she has this gig is because her ex-husband was a friend of Harvey Weinstein. At the time (when Weinstein was still at Miramax), Lee's ex "convinced" him (i.e. bribed him) to create her show. It and she are an embarrassment.

[Dear Roy....]

Just to set the record straight Roy, I hardly ever feed my children anything from any cooking show because they are very young and won't eat what I feel is a wonderful creation or the latest recipe I think looks great. Do you have children or yet do you remember when they were young and the foods on their plate can't touch without someone having a melt down. I appreciate your above dissertation on Sandra Lee although I have to wonder how many other food network stars or famous chefs for that matter got their fame...I'm sure alot of them knew someone in the business who helped them out somewhere down the road. Again TURN THE CHANNEL!!!

[Sandra Lee]

Baby Boo!!!

[I like Sandra]

Glad to know you are reading this Sandra.